5 simple ways to defeat the Roman Catholic Church in Filipinas

The recent visit of Pope Francisco two weeks ago elicited not only spiritual joy among the local Catholic faithful. It also spawned the usual anti-Catholic rhetoric done by holier-than-thou keyboard warriors having a field day bashing the Pope in particular and the Roman Catholic Church in general. Of course it was not the first time the Church played punching bag to scumbags, but the social media bashing comparatively got higher during the Papal Visit.

It is said that people fear and hate what they don’t understand. But we here at FILIPINO eSCRIBBLES are not about to waste our time answering their vitriol point by point. And speaking of point, it really got to a point when it just got tiring to comment and counter-comment. Pointless. So we’ll just give them what they want. If we can’t beat ’em… well, you know the rest.

To these admirable Bible thumpers, we now present to them five simple steps to further win their righteous battle against the evil, the monstrous, the hideous, the despicable, the no good Roman Catholic Church which has, sadly, created and developed a united Filipinas out of several warring heathen islanders.

1) Stop going to universities.

Did you know that the university was a Catholic concept? In fact, the University of Bologna, the world’s oldest university, received authority to run its operations from a Catholic monarch in 1158. Since then, the Roman Catholic Church has become a focal point in the development of the university in the Old World, and it transcended overseas.

Università di Bologna.

Here in Filipinas, the oldest university can be found in —where else?— Spain, hehehe! Anyway, since the university is a Catholic abomination, it doesn’t matter if you enroll in a similar institution in, say, New Era in Quezon City or along Taft Avenue in Malate. So long as they are universities, the Catholic education imprint will forever remain: colleges, courses, commencement exercises, etc.

2) Refrain from using calendars.

While it is true that the Catholic Church did not invent the calendar, the one that we Filipinos are using right now is called the Gregorian calendar, the most widely used civil calendar in the world. And true to its Catholic origins, it was named after the pontiff who introduced it in 1582: Pope Gregory XIII,

2015.

Disgusting, isn’t it? Better if we all go back to using sundials.

3) Start using sign language.

To put it more bluntly, all the languages of Christianized ethnolinguistic groups in the country (Tagálog, Ilongo, Ilocano, Bicolano, Cebuano, etc.) have been augmented via Hispanization, all this courtesy of the evil Spanish friars who performed not only as custodians of the soul but conduits of culture. Because of new tools which the wicked friar had introduced to the country, new concepts emerged among the natives, concepts that didn’t have any equivalent in the native tongue (for example: the cuchara and the tenedor didn’t have local equivalents because they were novelty items). Thus the borrowing of words began. To wit: Tagálog alone has acquired more than 5,000 Spanish root words because of this unnecessary and foul Hispanization. Furthermore, the cruel friars studied and wrote grammar books about the various languages in Filipinas. If not for these friars’ “Dark Ages” zeal, our local languages would have remained stunted, backward, and awkward. Which was a good thing, anyway.

More fodder for conspiracy theorists.

Because the Catholic Church had a hand in developing native tongues (via those heartless friars), one way to fight their influence to is to remove all Filipino words rooted in Spanish such as mesa, silla, polo, para, lunes, enero, libro, calle, aparador, escuela, and thousands more. But since that move will definitely paralyze our native languages, it would be much better if we just use sign language. All the better to annoy Church authorities!

4) Shun civilization altogether.

Going back to those culture villains (i.e., the friars). Weren’t they the ones who gathered the peaceful forest dwellers into one compact community under the sound of the bell, thus disturbing their peace? Christianity aside, weren’t these wicked friars the ones who created towns for the indios to live in? Didn’t they teach them agriculture and food production? Didn’t these friars introduce new crops and fruits such as tomato, lettuce, carrots, cabbage, potato, corn, tobacco, chico, guava, and a host of others? Didn’t these friars teach us how to cook paella and adobo and afritada and mechado? Didn’t they teach us how to sing choir music and play the guitar and the piano and the violin? Didn’t they teach us how to dress to the nines by donning americanas and baro’t saya? Isn’t it true that it was they who taught us book and paper culture? And didn’t they bring with them the chisel and the canvas and the paintbrush which resulted in majestic works of art?

The answer to all the above questions: affirmative. Conclusion: the Roman Catholic Church destroyed our lives. Solution: throw away everything they taught and gave us. It’s much better to live inside a cave and worship a piece of coconut husk (with a beard to match).

5) Forget the Bible.

Who compiled it in the first place?